Thanatos's Allure

By 星野舞夜 .

Read the original story here!

August fifteenth. The sun had already gone down, but hot and humid air still
drifted around the area.
Sweat incessantly gushed from my body as I dashed up the apartment stairs.

"Farewell."

A single word text from her. I had quickly understood what she meant.

Regardless of it being Obon, I had prepared to leave my post at work to rush
home to my apartment building.
Then, on the roof of the apartment building, from across the railing, I found her
standing with vacant eyes.

This was actually the fourth time I had found her about to jump to her own death.

They say that there are two kinds of people in this world.
Those ruled by "Eros", who have the drive to live, and
those ruled by "Thanatos", who have the drive to die.

In this world most are the former, but she was without doubt one of the latter.

I knew that she was one of the people ruled by "Thanatos" before I started dating her.
We met just like this, when I saved her as she was about to jump off of the
apartment building roof to her death.

She was a girl who moved into the same apartment building as me.

She had round eyes, plump lips, and a cute face, and something about her
expression seemed ephemeral; my heart was stolen in an instant. I think this
was definitely "love at first sight".

After meeting her we talked about many things and soon became close.

I was working at an exploitative job, living by myself and lonely; it seemed to me
as though she were an angle who had swooped down from heaven.

There was one question I had.
When she was planning on killing herself, she should make sure to message me.
Then she should wait there until I arrived.

I think it would be more definite if she died without telling anyone. But what if,
like when we first met, deep down in her heart she wanted me to stop her from
killing herself, to save her; that’s how I selfishly explained it.

That's why this time, too, I was dashing up the apartment building stairs.

"Haa, haa…"

I finally arrived at the roof of the apartment.

I saw her back as she stood on the other side of the railing.
"Wait!!"

I jumped over the railing and took her hand.
Her hand, in contrast to the hot and humid air, was cold.

"Let go."

Like a bell, her voice was fleeting and beautiful. I liked her voice.

"Why are you doing this…!"

"I want to hurry and die."

"Why…!"

"Because the death spirit is calling to me."

She could see the "death spirit". It’s a rare symptom you see in people ruled by
"Thanatos".

"There isn’t any death spirit."

"Why won’t you understand me…!"

She would always cry and scream when I denied the existence of the death spirit.

It seems death spirits take the most alluring form to the person who can see
them. In other words, the form of their ideal person.

Whenever she would look at the death spirit (although to me it seemed like she
was looking at empty air) she had the expression of a girl in love. As though she
had fallen helplessly in love.

I hated that expression of her's.

"Don't look at the death spirit, look at me."

"No…!"

She tried to shake off my hand and I unthinkingly gripped harder.

"Ow…!"

"! I'm sorry…"

But, aren't you the one who's in the wrong? Trying to shake away my hand.
Refusing to look at me.

"The death spirit wouldn’t do something like that!"

Something dark and black closed in on my heart.

"Why…"

Why won't you look at me alone, when I love you so much?

Some part of my mind thought it was stupid to be jealous of something like a
death spirit, but that didn’t matter anymore.

"I've had enough."

I've had enough too.

"I'm exhausted."

I'm exhausted too.

"I want to hurry and die."

"I want to die too!!"

At that, she lifted up her face.
She smiled cheerfully.

The moment I saw her smile I felt the darkness that had been closing in on my
heart disappear.

Ah, could this possibly be…?

"Finally… You've realized?"

"Yeah… I get it now."

Ah, this is it.
When you would plan to kill yourself and call me, it wasn't because you wanted
me to save you.

You wanted to take me with you.

My "death spirit" was her.

A cold wind blew. The humid heat had left at some point.

"Well, shall we go?"

"Yeah, lets go."

We held hands.

To escape the frustration this world had caused us,

we faced the night sky and ran.